Learn about LGBT people and issues
It's very important to be educated about what it means to be LGBT.
Learn about LGBT people, terminology, and challenges right here on the WHS's GSA site!
Learn about LGBT people, terminology, and challenges right here on the WHS's GSA site!
PFLAG.orgStanding for Parents, Friends, and Families of Lesbians and Gays, it promotes acceptance of LGBT people by their families and friends.
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Planned Parenthood on LGBT youthsPlanned Parenthood talks about parenting LGBT and questioning kids / teens and provides information for apprehensive parents.
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More Resources & InfoThe Center for Disease Control provides a myriad of health-related information and resources for parents of LGBT youths.
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Books (for parents and their kids)
This Book is GayJames Dawson
A funny and pertinent book about being lesbian, bisexual, gay, queer, transgender or just curious - for everybody, no matter their gender or sexuality.
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This Is a Book for Parents of Gay KidsDannielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo
Written in an accessible Q&A format, here, finally, is the go-to resource for parents hoping to understand and communicate with their gay child. The authors also run a website known as everyoneisgay.com, a helpful Q&A site for LGBT kids seeking advice.
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Gay and Lesbian History for Kids: The Century‑Long Struggle for LGBT RightsJerome Pohlen
Part of the popular For Kids series, this book puts the historic struggle for LGBT equality into perspective. An educational book to help children understand the long struggle of LGBT activists that's still going on today. Why is it important for children to be educated about these topics? So they can contribute to the struggle for equality and better understand the lives of those that are different. Book includes 21 activities for kids.
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I am JazzJessica Herthel, Jazz Jennings
The story of a transgender child based on the real-life experience of Jazz Jennings, who has become a spokesperson for trans kids everywhere.
"This is an essential tool for parents and teachers to share with children whether those kids identify as trans or not." -Laverne Cox Summary: From the time she was two years old, Jazz knew that she had a girl's brain in a boy's body. She loved pink and dressing up as a mermaid and didn't feel like herself in boys' clothing. This confused her family, until they took her to a doctor who said that Jazz was transgender and that she was born that way. Jazz's story is based on her real-life experience and she tells it in a simple, clear way that will be appreciated by picture book readers, their parents, and teachers. |
Teen Line for parents
Is your teen going through a difficult time?
Learn about how to understand what your child is going through, listen to your child, and support your child. |
"My Teen Needs Help!" Concern about suicide
What Can Parents Do?
Most teens who attempt or die by suicide have given some type of warning to loved ones ahead of time. So it’s important for parents to know the warning signs so that kids who might be suicidal can get the help they need.
Watch and Listen
Keep a close eye on a teen who seems depressed and withdrawn. Poor grades, for example, may signal that your teen is withdrawing at school. (Read the suicide warning signs here)
It’s important to keep the lines of communication open and express your concern, support, and love. If your teen confides in you, show that you take those concerns seriously. A fight with a friend might not seem like a big deal to you in the larger scheme of things, but for a teen it can feel immense and consuming. It’s important not to minimize or discount what your teen is going through ("It's just a fight, no big deal"), as this can increase your child's sense of hopelessness. Instead, listen intently to what they have to say and validate what fears they have ("I understand, you feel distressed right now. What can I do to help?")
If your teen doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you, suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a clergy member, a coach, a school counselor, or your child’s doctor.
Direct and indirect statements to harm must be taken very seriously. Immediate attention may be required.
Ask Questions
Some parents are reluctant to ask teens if they have been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. Some fear that by asking, they will plant the idea of suicide in their teen’s head.
It’s always a good idea to ask, even though doing so can be difficult. Sometimes it helps to explain why you’re asking. For instance, you might say something like one of these examples:
Your language, tone of voice, and body language can allow your teen to open up or shut down. Be aware of the ways you are expressing yourself to your teen, utilize nonjudgmental, supportive, and reflective language.
Try not to sound panicked, or they might lie about their feelings to help you calm down.
For Example:
Validate your teen’s feelings: Use “active listening” and allow your teen to be heard. Avoid using dismissive statements that minimize your teen’s feelings. Often times teens do not feel that their feelings will change, or that life will get better. As a parent, you want to create opportunities for open, honest communication. Invalidating your teen’s feelings, or dismissing their pain can create road blocks in communication, openness and trust.
Remember, if your teen is coming to you, THEY WANT TO TALK. They do not want their feelings to be DISMISSED. (“Oh, you’re just being a moody teenager.”) For Example:
What you can do afterward
Mental health:
Your role as a parent
As a parent, it's your duty to
What you need to know about suicide
Getting Help
If you learn that your child is thinking about suicide, get help immediately. Your doctor can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist, or your local hospital’s department of psychiatry can provide a list of doctors in your area. Your local mental health association or county medical society can also provide references.
If your teen is in a crisis situation, your local emergency room can conduct a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation and refer you to the appropriate resources.
Direct and indirect statements to harm must be taken very seriously. Immediate attention may be required.
Create Safety: Directly ask your teen if they have a plan for suicide. Take safety measures in your home and surroundings to minimize threats of safety for your teen. For example: Lock up all sharp objects, medications and other poisonous household agents and secure any firearms (see "safety" section above)
Confidentiality: There is no confidentiality when a teen’s life is at risk. If you are a family member of a teenager that has confided in you about their thoughts of suicide, let them know that you have to tell others. Secrets regarding suicide are too serious and life threatening to keep.
Supervision and immediate safety: If you feel that your child is in immediate danger to harm themselves or act on suicidal thoughts, immediate safety measures should be taken. You have the option to call 911, contact a mobile crisis team, or transport your child to an emergency room in order to complete a psychiatric evaluation.
If immediate safety is not a concern: If your child’s immediate safety is not a concern at the moment, but feel your child may benefit from counseling, you have options.
Coordinate: Keep your teen’s school and any other important parties in your teen’s life in the loop if possible. The more adults whom are on the same page regarding your teens struggles, and circumstances, the more safety you are creating for your teen.
Emergency in the event of a suicide attempt
Most teens who attempt or die by suicide have given some type of warning to loved ones ahead of time. So it’s important for parents to know the warning signs so that kids who might be suicidal can get the help they need.
Watch and Listen
Keep a close eye on a teen who seems depressed and withdrawn. Poor grades, for example, may signal that your teen is withdrawing at school. (Read the suicide warning signs here)
It’s important to keep the lines of communication open and express your concern, support, and love. If your teen confides in you, show that you take those concerns seriously. A fight with a friend might not seem like a big deal to you in the larger scheme of things, but for a teen it can feel immense and consuming. It’s important not to minimize or discount what your teen is going through ("It's just a fight, no big deal"), as this can increase your child's sense of hopelessness. Instead, listen intently to what they have to say and validate what fears they have ("I understand, you feel distressed right now. What can I do to help?")
If your teen doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you, suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a clergy member, a coach, a school counselor, or your child’s doctor.
Direct and indirect statements to harm must be taken very seriously. Immediate attention may be required.
Ask Questions
Some parents are reluctant to ask teens if they have been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. Some fear that by asking, they will plant the idea of suicide in their teen’s head.
It’s always a good idea to ask, even though doing so can be difficult. Sometimes it helps to explain why you’re asking. For instance, you might say something like one of these examples:
- “I’ve noticed that you’ve been talking a lot about wanting to be dead. Have you been having thoughts about trying to kill yourself?”
- "I've noticed you're acting differently, feeling depressed, and doing worse in school. Are you feeling suicidal at all?"
- “Are you feeling suicidal at all?”
- “Sometimes when teens go through some of the difficulties you are going through, they think of suicide as an option. Is this something you're thinking about?”
- "Do you feel like hurting yourself?"
- "Do you want to talk about what you're going through? I'm willing to listen and help."
Your language, tone of voice, and body language can allow your teen to open up or shut down. Be aware of the ways you are expressing yourself to your teen, utilize nonjudgmental, supportive, and reflective language.
Try not to sound panicked, or they might lie about their feelings to help you calm down.
For Example:
- Don’t say, “That's crazy!” Instead say, “I’m concerned, and I'm not sure how to best support you with these kind of feelings.”
- Don’t say, “Why would you want to die?” Instead say, “What are some of the reasons you are seeing suicide and/or self-harm as an option?”
- Don’t say, “There’s no reason to be upset about something like this!” Instead say, “It seems like you are really hurting and upset by this, how can I help you?”
- Don't say, "I'm so scared for you!" Instead, say, "I'm concerned, and I want to know more about what you're feeling or thinking."
Validate your teen’s feelings: Use “active listening” and allow your teen to be heard. Avoid using dismissive statements that minimize your teen’s feelings. Often times teens do not feel that their feelings will change, or that life will get better. As a parent, you want to create opportunities for open, honest communication. Invalidating your teen’s feelings, or dismissing their pain can create road blocks in communication, openness and trust.
Remember, if your teen is coming to you, THEY WANT TO TALK. They do not want their feelings to be DISMISSED. (“Oh, you’re just being a moody teenager.”) For Example:
- Don’t say, “Things always work out!” Instead say, “I can tell things are just really tough for you right now and you’re not sure when they will get better.”
- Don’t say, “This feeling will go away.” Instead say, “What you are going through is very painful and real and could take time before you feel better. I am here to help you through this.”
- Don’t say, “You're just being a moody teenager. It will pass.” Instead say, “Being a teen is really hard, your body and mind go through a lot of changes that can affect your mood. Some of your irritability can be normal, but some of what you're going through sounds pretty serious.”
What you can do afterward
Mental health:
- Check in with your child every so often (about twice a month) and ask how they're feeling / if they're feeling better
- Hold household counseling sessions, where you sit down with your teen and let them talk about what's bothering them for as long as they need to.
- Help lighten the stress load for them by avoiding sensitive topics for teens, like college, fights with friends, their grades, their body image, etc. when you are having casual conversations.
- Give your teen the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number to keep with them at all times (making sure they have it in their phone is a safe bet). The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
- If your teen has told you they're thinking about suicide:
- Lock up all sharp objects, including:
- knives and saws
- box cutters
- spare razor blades
- syringes
- Lock up medications and other poisonous household / outdoor chemical agents such as:
- perscription medications and pain medications
- cleaning supplies
- fertilizers
- weed killers
- pesticides & rat poisons
- antifreeze
- Secure any firearms in a secure, locked container or safe (very important). You can also send them to a trusted friend or family member outside your home to hide without telling your teen where the firearms are.
- Contact a mental health professional as soon as possible.
- Lock up all sharp objects, including:
- Always ask where your teen is going before they leave the house alone
- If your teen is showing suicide danger signs or they have told you they are considering suicide, request that a trusted friend or sibling accompany them before they leave the house.
- Get the phone numbers of the school principle and adjustment counselor so you can call and ask if your child was in class, or ask if your child has had any particular trouble at school socially.
- If your teen has showed signs of suicide or had told you they are considering suicide, get the phone numbers of a few of your teen's close friends (and your teen's romantic partner, if they have one), so that if there is an emergency or cause for immediate concern, you can call to help determine your child's whereabouts.
Your role as a parent
As a parent, it's your duty to
- Be a trusted resource your child can talk to
- Keep your teen safe
- Provide mental health resources for your child when needed
What you need to know about suicide
- Suicide can be quick and impulsive or it can be planned out. Depending on the cause, it may be one or the other. Don't assume that just because your teen doesn't have a suicide plan, they aren't at risk for suicide.
- The decision to commit suicide comes from an internal struggle, but is often caused by factors beyond your own / your teen's control, such as bullying, a fight with a friend, school stressors, or a mental illness.
- The #1 cause of suicide is untreated depression. If you are concerned about your child's mental health, it's advisable to get them evaluated for depression. Read the warning signs of teen depression here.
Getting Help
If you learn that your child is thinking about suicide, get help immediately. Your doctor can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist, or your local hospital’s department of psychiatry can provide a list of doctors in your area. Your local mental health association or county medical society can also provide references.
If your teen is in a crisis situation, your local emergency room can conduct a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation and refer you to the appropriate resources.
Direct and indirect statements to harm must be taken very seriously. Immediate attention may be required.
Create Safety: Directly ask your teen if they have a plan for suicide. Take safety measures in your home and surroundings to minimize threats of safety for your teen. For example: Lock up all sharp objects, medications and other poisonous household agents and secure any firearms (see "safety" section above)
Confidentiality: There is no confidentiality when a teen’s life is at risk. If you are a family member of a teenager that has confided in you about their thoughts of suicide, let them know that you have to tell others. Secrets regarding suicide are too serious and life threatening to keep.
Supervision and immediate safety: If you feel that your child is in immediate danger to harm themselves or act on suicidal thoughts, immediate safety measures should be taken. You have the option to call 911, contact a mobile crisis team, or transport your child to an emergency room in order to complete a psychiatric evaluation.
If immediate safety is not a concern: If your child’s immediate safety is not a concern at the moment, but feel your child may benefit from counseling, you have options.
- Option 1: Contact your primary care provider and request a referral to mental health services and counseling.
- Option 2: Contact your insurance provider directly and request a list of providers within your network.
- Option 3: If you do not have insurance, there are agencies with sliding scales available in most communities, you can find these on the web.
Coordinate: Keep your teen’s school and any other important parties in your teen’s life in the loop if possible. The more adults whom are on the same page regarding your teens struggles, and circumstances, the more safety you are creating for your teen.
Emergency in the event of a suicide attempt
- Do not leave your child alone
- If necessary, perform emergency first aid
- Call 9-1-1
- If your child attempts suicide but does no actual harm to themselves, take them to the emergency room for a psych evaluation
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
Questions you may be having
Has your child recently come out to you? You may be having a lot of questions and feeling confused, but keep in mind that, in coming out to you, your child displayed an immense trust in you. The best thing you can do for your child is support them, even if you don't agree with who they are.
This Q & A section is courtesy of PFLAG.org
How can I get support after a LGBT loved one has come out to me?
PFLAG offers local support and education all across the country. Members in PFLAG chapters know what you’re going through and can help. You may be experiencing an array of emotions such as grief, guilt, and denial, and you could be facing new questions about your relationship with your LGBT loved one. Whatever your reaction, remember that your loved one is sharing one part of his/her identity with you and is ultimately the same person as yesterday.
How are sexual orientation and gender identity determined?
No one knows exactly how sexual orientation and gender identity determined. However, experts agree that it is a complicated matter of genetics, biology, psychological and social factors. For most people, sexual orientation and gender identity are shaped at any early age. While research has not determined a cause, homosexuality and gender variance are not the result of any one factor like parenting or past experiences. It is never anyone's "fault" if they or their loved one grows up to be LGBT.
If you are asking yourself why you or your loved one is LGBT, consider asking yourself another question: Why ask why? Does your response to a LGBT person depend on knowing why they are LGBT? Regardless of cause, LGBT people deserve equal rights and to be treated fairly.
Is there something wrong with being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?
No. There have been people in all cultures and times throughout human history who have identified themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT). Homosexuality is not an illness or a disorder, a fact that is agreed upon by both the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association. Homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association in 1974. Being transgender or gender variant is not a disorder either, although Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) is still listed in the DSM of the American Psychiatric Association. Being LGBT is as much a human variation as being left-handed - a person's sexual orientation and gender identity are just another piece of who they are. There is nothing wrong with being LGBT - in fact, there's a lot to celebrate. Discriminatory laws, policies and attitudes that persist in our schools, workplaces, places of worship and larger communities, however, are wrong and hurt LGBT people and their loved ones. PFLAG works to make sure that LGBT people have full civil rights and can live openly, free from discrimination and violence.
Can gay or trans people change their sexual orientation or gender identity?
No. And efforts to do so are extremely damaging.
Religious and secular organizations do sponsor campaigns and studies claiming that LGBT people can change their sexual orientation or gender identity because there is something wrong. PFLAG believes that it is the anti-LGBT attitudes, laws and policies that need to change, not our LGBT loved ones. These studies and campaigns suggesting that LGBT people can change are based on ideological biases and not peer-reviewed solid science. No studies show proven long-term changes in gay or transgender people, and many reported changes are based solely on behavior and not a person's actual self-identity. The American Psychological Association has stated that scientific evidence shows that reparative therapy (therapy which claims to "change" LGBT people) does not work and that it can do more harm than good. Conversion therapy is a serious form of abuse, and can cause permanent PTSD and depression.
How does someone know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?
Some people say that they have "felt different" or knew they were attracted to people of the same sex from the time they were very young. Some transgender people talk about feeling from an early age that their gender identity did not match parental and social expectations. Others do not figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until they are adolescents or adults. Often it can take a while for people to put a label to their feelings, or people's feelings may change over time. Understanding our sexuality and gender can be a lifelong process, and people shouldn't worry about labeling themselves right away. However, with positive images of LGBT people more readily available, it is becoming easier for people to identify their feelings and come out at earlier ages. People don't have to be sexually active to know their sexual orientation - feelings and emotions are as much a part of one's identity. The short answer is that you'll know when you know.
Should I talk to a loved one about their sexual orientation or gender identity before the person talks to me?
No. It’s seldom appropriate to ask a person, "Are you gay?” Your perception of another person’s sexual orientation (gay or straight) or gender identity (male or female) is not necessarily what it appears. No one can know for sure unless the person has actually declared that they are gay, straight, bisexual, or transgender. PFLAG recommends creating a safe space by showing your support of LGBT issues on a non-personal level. For example, take an interest in openly discussing and learning about topics such as same-sex marriage or LGBT rights in the workplace. Learn about LGBT communities and culture. Come out as an ally, regardless of if your friend or loved one is LGBT.
Read PFLAG’s Dos and Don’ts for Friends and Families to get some tips should the “coming out day” happen. Your ultimate goal is to provide a safe space for your loved one to approach you when he or she is ready without fear of negative consequences.
Can gay people have families?
Yes! LGBT people can and do have families. Same-sex couples do form committed and loving relationships. In the United States many same-sex couples choose to celebrate their love with commitment ceremonies or civil unions, although these couples are not offered the rights and benefits of marriage. More and more LGBT couples are also raising children together, although state laws on adoption and foster parenting vary. And of course, many LGBT people have the support of the loving families they were born into, or the families that they have created with their other friends and loved ones. As the saying goes, all it takes is love to make a family.
How can I reconcile my or my loved one's sexual orientation with my faith?
This is a difficult question for many people. Learning that a loved one is LGBT can be a challenge if you feel it is at odds with your faith tradition. However, being LGBT does not impact a person's ability to be moral and spiritual any more than being heterosexual does. Many LGBT people are religious and active in their own faith communities. It is up to you to explore, question and make choices in order to reconcile religion with homosexuality and gender variance. For some, this means working for change within their faith community, and for others it means leaving it.
However, sexual orientation or gender identity can not and should not be changed. Instead, it should be celebrated!
PFLAG offers a number of resources in this area, including our Welcoming Faith Communities project and our publication, Faith in Our Families.
Why should I support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality?
LGBT rights are not special rights. PFLAG works to achieve equal civil rights for all people, including our LGBT loved ones. Our LGBT children, friends and family members deserve the same rights as our straight ones. However, discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity is still legal in many states, a LGBT person can be fired from their job simply because of who they love or how they express their gender, same-sex couples cannot legally be married in the majority of states in the United States, LGBT youth face constant harassment and abuse in schools across the country, and it is clear that the road to full equality and acceptance is a long one.
This Q & A section is courtesy of PFLAG.org
How can I get support after a LGBT loved one has come out to me?
PFLAG offers local support and education all across the country. Members in PFLAG chapters know what you’re going through and can help. You may be experiencing an array of emotions such as grief, guilt, and denial, and you could be facing new questions about your relationship with your LGBT loved one. Whatever your reaction, remember that your loved one is sharing one part of his/her identity with you and is ultimately the same person as yesterday.
How are sexual orientation and gender identity determined?
No one knows exactly how sexual orientation and gender identity determined. However, experts agree that it is a complicated matter of genetics, biology, psychological and social factors. For most people, sexual orientation and gender identity are shaped at any early age. While research has not determined a cause, homosexuality and gender variance are not the result of any one factor like parenting or past experiences. It is never anyone's "fault" if they or their loved one grows up to be LGBT.
If you are asking yourself why you or your loved one is LGBT, consider asking yourself another question: Why ask why? Does your response to a LGBT person depend on knowing why they are LGBT? Regardless of cause, LGBT people deserve equal rights and to be treated fairly.
Is there something wrong with being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?
No. There have been people in all cultures and times throughout human history who have identified themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT). Homosexuality is not an illness or a disorder, a fact that is agreed upon by both the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association. Homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association in 1974. Being transgender or gender variant is not a disorder either, although Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) is still listed in the DSM of the American Psychiatric Association. Being LGBT is as much a human variation as being left-handed - a person's sexual orientation and gender identity are just another piece of who they are. There is nothing wrong with being LGBT - in fact, there's a lot to celebrate. Discriminatory laws, policies and attitudes that persist in our schools, workplaces, places of worship and larger communities, however, are wrong and hurt LGBT people and their loved ones. PFLAG works to make sure that LGBT people have full civil rights and can live openly, free from discrimination and violence.
Can gay or trans people change their sexual orientation or gender identity?
No. And efforts to do so are extremely damaging.
Religious and secular organizations do sponsor campaigns and studies claiming that LGBT people can change their sexual orientation or gender identity because there is something wrong. PFLAG believes that it is the anti-LGBT attitudes, laws and policies that need to change, not our LGBT loved ones. These studies and campaigns suggesting that LGBT people can change are based on ideological biases and not peer-reviewed solid science. No studies show proven long-term changes in gay or transgender people, and many reported changes are based solely on behavior and not a person's actual self-identity. The American Psychological Association has stated that scientific evidence shows that reparative therapy (therapy which claims to "change" LGBT people) does not work and that it can do more harm than good. Conversion therapy is a serious form of abuse, and can cause permanent PTSD and depression.
How does someone know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?
Some people say that they have "felt different" or knew they were attracted to people of the same sex from the time they were very young. Some transgender people talk about feeling from an early age that their gender identity did not match parental and social expectations. Others do not figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until they are adolescents or adults. Often it can take a while for people to put a label to their feelings, or people's feelings may change over time. Understanding our sexuality and gender can be a lifelong process, and people shouldn't worry about labeling themselves right away. However, with positive images of LGBT people more readily available, it is becoming easier for people to identify their feelings and come out at earlier ages. People don't have to be sexually active to know their sexual orientation - feelings and emotions are as much a part of one's identity. The short answer is that you'll know when you know.
Should I talk to a loved one about their sexual orientation or gender identity before the person talks to me?
No. It’s seldom appropriate to ask a person, "Are you gay?” Your perception of another person’s sexual orientation (gay or straight) or gender identity (male or female) is not necessarily what it appears. No one can know for sure unless the person has actually declared that they are gay, straight, bisexual, or transgender. PFLAG recommends creating a safe space by showing your support of LGBT issues on a non-personal level. For example, take an interest in openly discussing and learning about topics such as same-sex marriage or LGBT rights in the workplace. Learn about LGBT communities and culture. Come out as an ally, regardless of if your friend or loved one is LGBT.
Read PFLAG’s Dos and Don’ts for Friends and Families to get some tips should the “coming out day” happen. Your ultimate goal is to provide a safe space for your loved one to approach you when he or she is ready without fear of negative consequences.
Can gay people have families?
Yes! LGBT people can and do have families. Same-sex couples do form committed and loving relationships. In the United States many same-sex couples choose to celebrate their love with commitment ceremonies or civil unions, although these couples are not offered the rights and benefits of marriage. More and more LGBT couples are also raising children together, although state laws on adoption and foster parenting vary. And of course, many LGBT people have the support of the loving families they were born into, or the families that they have created with their other friends and loved ones. As the saying goes, all it takes is love to make a family.
How can I reconcile my or my loved one's sexual orientation with my faith?
This is a difficult question for many people. Learning that a loved one is LGBT can be a challenge if you feel it is at odds with your faith tradition. However, being LGBT does not impact a person's ability to be moral and spiritual any more than being heterosexual does. Many LGBT people are religious and active in their own faith communities. It is up to you to explore, question and make choices in order to reconcile religion with homosexuality and gender variance. For some, this means working for change within their faith community, and for others it means leaving it.
However, sexual orientation or gender identity can not and should not be changed. Instead, it should be celebrated!
PFLAG offers a number of resources in this area, including our Welcoming Faith Communities project and our publication, Faith in Our Families.
Why should I support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality?
LGBT rights are not special rights. PFLAG works to achieve equal civil rights for all people, including our LGBT loved ones. Our LGBT children, friends and family members deserve the same rights as our straight ones. However, discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity is still legal in many states, a LGBT person can be fired from their job simply because of who they love or how they express their gender, same-sex couples cannot legally be married in the majority of states in the United States, LGBT youth face constant harassment and abuse in schools across the country, and it is clear that the road to full equality and acceptance is a long one.
Important Steps
- Engage with your child. Your gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender (GLBT) child requires and deserves the same level of care, respect, information, and support as non-GLBT children. Ask questions, listen, empathize, share and just be there for your child.
- Go back to school. Get the facts about sexual orientation and gender identity. Learn new language and the correct terminology to communicate effectively about sexual orientation and gender identity. Challenge yourself to learn and to go beyond stereotyped images of GLBT people.
Here's a quick lesson on two frequently misunderstood terms:
Sexual orientation--Describes to whom a person feels attraction: people of the opposite gender, the same gender, or all genders, for example.
Gender identity--A person's inner sense of gender—male, female, some of each, neither. Transgender people have a gender identity that is different from the gender to which they were born or assigned at birth.
Some people ask, "Isn't transgender just like being gay?" No. Transgender describes a person's internal sense of gender identity. Sexual orientation describes a person's feelings of attraction toward other people. Transgender people have some issues in common with gay, lesbian, and bisexual communities, but gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation. - Get to know the community. What resources are available? Find out if there is a Gay-Straight Alliance at school, a community group for GLBT and questioning teens, a bookstore with a selection of books and magazines on GLBT issues, or a GLBT community center nearby.
- Explore the Internet. There is a growing amount of excellent information on the Internet that connects people with support and materials on these important topics. Three excellent Web sites are Youth Resource, Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays, and Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network. For a diverse selection of links to a variety of GLBT sites, including education, family, health and wellness, and multiple identities, visit Ithaca College's Center for LGBT Education, Outreach and Services and click on the "links" button.
- Find out where your local Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) meets. Many parents say that their connections with other parents of GLBT kids made a world of difference in their progress toward understanding their young people. Finding another person you can trust to share your experience with is invaluable. Many people have gone through similar things and their support, lessons learned, and empathy can be very valuable.
- Don't make it ALL there is … just because your child has come out as GLBT does not mean the young person's whole world revolves around sexual orientation or gender identity. It will be a big part of who the youth is, especially during the process of figuring it all out, including what it means to be GLBT. Still, being GLBT isn't the sum of life for your child, and it is vital to encourage your child in other aspects of life, such as school, sports, hobbies, friends, and part-time jobs.
- ASK your child before you "come out" to others on the child's behalf. Friends and family members might have questions or want to know what's up; but it is most important to be respectful of what your child wants. Don't betray your child's trust!
- Praise your GLBT child for coming to you to discuss this issue. Encourage the youth to continue to keep you "in the know." If your child turns to you to share personal information, you're must be doing something right! You are ask-able. You're sending out consistent verbal and non-verbal cues that say, "Yes, I'll listen. Please talk to me!" Give yourself some credit—your GLBT child chose to come out to you. Congratulations!
- Find out what kind of support, services, and education are in place at your child's school. Does the school and/or school district have a non-discrimination policy? Is a there a GLBT/straight support group? Do you know any "out" people, or their friends and loved ones, to whom you can turn for information? (Before doing so, again refer to tip number 7, above. Ask your child if it's okay for you to "come out" about the child.)
- Educate yourself on local, state and national laws and polices regarding GLBT people. On the national level, GLBT people are still second-class citizens in regard to some national policies and their rights are not guaranteed by law. Consider educating yourself about this and finding out what you can do to work toward extending equal rights to GLBT people in the United States. A good place to start is the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.